A little bit ago I wrote about how I’d been hit by a curve ball that left me feeling “dazed, confused, bewildered and angry.”
The curve ball?
This was not planned, it was a surprise. I don’t like unplanned things. (Especially things that are going to change my life forever and ever and ever and ever.)
So I’ve been freaking out about this. Just a wee bit. (Okay, a HUGE freak out!)
I don’t think I have the worst pregnancy symptoms in the world, but the fatigue/heartburn/nausea/acne are all doing a number on me. I have no motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch. For a couple of weeks I tried to do 2 strength workouts and 2 running workouts during the week. But when combined with working full-time, I was shredded by the weekend and couldn’t function. I’m usually ready to crawl into bed by 7:00 each night.
But even worse than the physical issues, the emotional and psychological stress has been intense.
I know pregnancy hormones play a role in this. But the day that I got a positive test, I stopped taking my anti-depressant due to the label on the side of the bottle “Do not take if you are pregnant or under suspicion of pregnancy.” If I had been planning for this, I probably would have worked with my doctor to wean myself off instead of a cold turkey detox.
The past two months have, quite honestly, been the worst time of my life.
There were times that I thought I wanted to end my life, but I didn’t want to leave chores behind for my family (planning a funeral, cleaning things, etc.) or leave projects at work unfinished… and the pregnancy fatigue left me too tired to figure out how to wrap up those loose ends.
I’ve been angry because I feel like I was denied what the process should be:
Instead I got this:
We’d always assumed that we would have kids in our 30’s. Well, maybe there was a mis-communication. Kevin assumed when he was 30 (he’s a couple of years older than me). I assumed when I was 30 we would consider the idea. But when I turned 30 and after I ran the San Antonio Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon, I stopped taking the pill.
Stopping the pill taught me a huge lesson… you are far sicker than you ever realized!
I had convinced myself that I had “reversed” my eating disorder on my own. I had convinced myself that I didn’t have that severe of a problem because I still had a monthly cycle. But that cycle was purely due to the pills. When that external influence was gone, my body revealed just how sick it was. A few short months after that is when I checked into treatment for my ED.
I stopped the pill in December 2008. Despite gaining weight, scaling back my running (hence, no marathon repeats since) and working hard on my eating habits, my cycle didn’t come back until I was forced to stop running this summer (July 2011) with a stress fracture.
And by this time, I’d actually decided that I didn’t mind if I couldn’t have kids. That long without a cycle makes you consider the possibility, and I like being a parent to Jade The Boxer. She’s easy to take care of… goes outside to go to the bathroom, eats her meals on a schedule like a champ, you can leave her behind when you go out to dinner and she’ll just sleep on the couch or play with a toy. Perfect!
Since July I’d only had a couple of cycles, so nothing was really regular or consistent like it should have been. So I at least wanted to become “regular” before I considered the upheaval of having a kid. I wasn’t baby-hungry… babies don’t interest me much anyway. I can appreciate a cute baby, from across the room, no desire to run over and hold a kid. I have never felt a mothering instinct that the world has led me to believe I should have.
Yet with those intermittent cycles, I have become pregnant.
I alternate between feelings of:
– I’m WAY TOO YOUNG for this!
– I’m too old for this, too set in my ways.
I also feel like I haven’t lived enough! I graduated from college too fast (I was 20) and entered the “real world” immediately. I got married a couple of years later. I just kept working. I didn’t take up running until I was 29. That changed my life, it gave me goals and dreams that had nothing to do with my job, a job that doesn’t really inspire me to have goals or dreams. I had so many things I wanted to do. But that hasn’t panned out and it likely won’t pan out for several years now. My body is no longer my own, it’s a host to another life… and this life is pretty demanding so far. It doesn’t want me to feel good!