I haven’t run a race since January 1, 2023. Mostly it’s because I have felt like crap for a few years. Getting my thyroid removed has been harder to recover from than I anticipated, since my thyroid levels kept swinging all over the place. But also, work has gotten more and more intense over the past few years to where I have been regularly working 10ish hours a day, only to then have to cook meals for my family and help my kiddo with her homework (and all the other things that come along with parenting… did you know that working mothers these days spend more time with their children each day than stay-at-home moms in the 70’s did? No wonder being a mother is the most exhausting and brutal job I’ve ever had, but that’s a post for another time. And I’ve probably already posted on that anyway.)

Last year I was going to enter the traditional New Years Eve/New Years Day races here in Las Vegas, but something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not register. I won’t get into the details here, but on New Years Eve last year we were suddenly on the road for family things. I’m glad I wasn’t on a race course when that started to unfold.

In August of this year I started taking MORE thyroid meds, I’m now on 3 pills taken at 2 times a day to manage this. But I actually was starting to feel a little more normal with this change. I don’t know that I will ever go back to how I felt pre-removal. But I could actually run fairly regularly the past few months, even if it was only on the treadmill because I’m still nervous about getting dizzy while a distance away from home. Especially since I usually try to shove a workout in place of my lunch hour so that I’m never taking time away from my family. Mostly my kid, she needs me. My husband probably doesn’t, except he might wonder why he has no clean clothes and why the kid was still at school if I were to disappear.

So about 11 days before the races, I bit the bullet and registered. And WTAF, why are races so expensive? I had to pay $120 for the two 5Ks, and it wasn’t even a guarantee that I would get a t-shirt. I know there are fees for permits and such, but DAMN… that’s kind of outrageous. That was with a discount for doing both races.

As the day got closer, I started to feel guilty. The New Years Eve race was set to take place at 4pm. Well, the 5K actually didn’t start until 4:15pm, we had to wait for the 10K runners to head out first. So I knew that if I ran in roughly the 30 minute range, then listened for awards and such, I’d be home a little after 5pm. But as it turned out, the finale for Stranger Things was supposed to release at 5pm that day and my kid was very much looking forward to watching it.

She told me it would be fine, we could watch it a little later. Just not too late, she had to text friends about it after watching!

Still, all day I felt like a jerk. Why was I leaving to do this thing all for me? So selfish, Jill…

But I’d already paid out the overpriced entry fee, skipping it would be even stupider. So I debated repeatedly about what to wear (it was in the 50’s, but it was supposed to rain, but it wasn’t that cold yet, but would it start to pour on me… I can overthink like an Olympian.) I settled on shorts and a quarter-zip pullover and headed out.

I got to the park to pick up my bib number and they told me since I hadn’t registered two weeks in advance, I’d have to wait until after the race the following day to see if I could get a shirt. Whatever.. I’m not in it for the shirt.

I’ve run this race so many times, probably at least 10 times as the actual race. Plus I used to run on the course every single week when I ran with the Fleet Feet running group, back before I had a kid and gave up all of a personal life. So I went in a little cocky/comforted, thinking how well I know the route. But they changed it up! I mean, not so much that it was dramatically different in terrain, but it was just down along the path that I have only run about 20% as much as the regular route.

As I started running, my heart rate spiked at first. It does that for a lot of runners, then you settle into a rhythm. And since it was all downhill for the first mile, I just kept telling myself that was free speed to bank.

The biggest problem was the fog in my head. I just feel like thinking is harder these days, and for some reason running a race at dusk when the world’s color is strange, it just played tricks on my brain. It is kind of hard to explain, but a foggy sensation that is dulling my brain is the best way to describe it. I feel that a lot these days… which could be related to my thyroid or it could be related to my perimenopause age. Or it could be both! Fun! Which is all so annoying, and probably better suited for more ranting on a different day.

As I reached the first turn to start running back uphill I was kind of surprised at myself because despite all of the annoying brain/thinking feelings, I was doing pretty well. Especially given the inconsistent running I’ve been doing the past 3 years and the relatively short time being back to running at least 3x a week. (Old me used to run 5x a week, except for that stretch that I ran every day for over a year.)

As I hit the second turnaround to head toward the start/finish line, I was had a feeling of slight accomplishment. Not much makes me feel like I’m accomplishing things these days. Parenting and working both end up feeling like getting by after negotiating a series of compromises and battles after clawing through the Upside Down. (We’ve watched a lot of Stranger Things around here lately, okay?)

But I crossed the finish line and I was super proud of myself for still managing to have a sub-10 minute mile pace overall in this event. 9:40 average, to be exact.

I downed my (faux) champagne at the finish line and headed back home to eat pizza and watch Stranger Things with my kid.

New Years Day rolled around and I was registered for the 5K to happen at noon. Well, 12:15… again, I was in the 5K group and we had to wait for the 10K runners to start first.

And again I had the feeling that I was being a shitty mother by taking roughly 90-120 minutes out of my day to go do a race. Does every mother feel like a shitty person all the time, just because they are responsible for a human? I don’t think they do, if I’m judging by social media. Several moms seem to relish leaving their kids behind and feel no guilt in doing so.

So as the morning ticked by, I was feeling anxious again. But as I recognized that my 13yo kid had mostly ignored me by hanging out in her room all morning and my husband was watching ALL of the college football available to consume, they really wouldn’t miss me.

This time, it really was raining all morning so I worried that I’d end up soaked. The only other time I’ve really run in the rain was the 2015 Boston Marathon… because when you go to Boston for the marathon and it rains you just have to run in the rain. Most of the time, rain doesn’t occur often enough to be concerned about it here in Las Vegas, so I usually can avoid it.

But the rain stopped for about 2 hours midday, right as the race was scheduled to happen. So yay for me, no soggy feet to be had.

At the start line, another woman asked me if I was there running by myself like she was. I confirmed and she said, “Let’s get a selfie to celebrate.” So we took a pic together!

The race started and we did the exact same course as the day before. As I hit the first mile, my Garmin beeped at me to tell me I ran that mile about 40 seconds faster than I had run my first mile the day before. I had been thinking to myself “This is a mistake, today feels harder. Perhaps I’m not ready to do two races in less than 24 hours.” But it actually was harder, I was running faster.

Overall I ran the entire race about 90 seconds faster overall than the previous evening, overall average pace of 9:18. I realize I’m technically a “masters runner” and have probably hit all my fastest races in the past, but it felt good to know that I wasn’t that much slower.

After the race I chatted with my new friend from the start. As it turns out, she had surgery on one of her parathyroids. While she doesn’t have to live a life without a thyroid and take replacement meds for that, it was kind of nice to chat with someone who had to deal with surgery to cut their neck open and making adjustments to life due to that. She said that she’s trying to get back into races regularly again this year, so maybe I can catch her at some other events in the future. If I convince myself to sign up.

It feels absolutely ridiculous that I beat myself up over taking the time and the funds to run a race when we can absolutely afford it and my family mostly didn’t even seem to notice my absence, especially today because there were no pressing television series trying to wrap up their story waiting on me like last night. But I’m also not sure that stress of beating myself up leading up to the race is worth it either. We’ll see… I do think the accomplishment of a race that takes more than an hour feels better than a 5K but I’m not sure I have the time or willpower to get out to train for a half or a full marathon this year.

The irony is that I’ve done a couple of treadmill half marathons as personal “challenges”… I’ll blow a few hours of sick/annual leave at work and spend the morning on a treadmill doing a course. But that’s different because I never push myself at a pace that feels super challenging and I can take regular bathroom and snack breaks as needed. Or respond to Slack messages so my work never thinks that I slack, even if I am taking leave that I’m entitled to use.

All I’m saying is… maybe. Maybe there are more longer races still in me.

Oh, and I did get a t-shirt after today’s race. Funny enough, it’s the same as past years. So I already have a few versions of this shirt anyway.