The whole “sorry not sorry” phrase has been circulating teh interwebs for a while. Basically it’s supposed to be a way to encourage people (particularly women) to stop apologizing for things that they really don’t need to be sorry about, while sounding sassy and/or bitchy at the same time.

“Sorry, I sneezed.”
“Sorry, I blinked.”
“Sorry, I am in the same room as you.”
“Sorry, I breathed.”

Well, that’s kind of extreme. I’ve seen people tweet that they’re #sorrynotsorry for yelling at children and #sorrynotsorry for eating cupcakes for breakfast.  And the number of blog posts I’ve seen encouraging other bloggers to stop apologizing for not posting is… well, very high. I don’t have a specific count. Let’s just say it’s more than one… but probably less than 100. (Remember, these are just ones I’ve seen. There could potentially be more than 100 blog posts on the subject.)

I have not been posting as frequently as I would like or have in the past. And as opposed to just owning that and saying, “Yeah, I’m not posting. Sorry, not sorry.” my reaction is to apologize. Because the way I truly feel is:

Confusing enough? 🙂 Basically… I’m sorry.

I have wonderful people who send me stuff to review on my site and I owe it to them to post things in a timely manner. But then I feel like I’m not being true to myself (whatever that means) if all I post are reviews upon reviews. So I space things out, trying to get a mix but in reality I end up doing a fantastic job at keeping large gaps in my posting timeline.

I read a post on MindBodyGreen called “I Dare You To Start Doing What You Really Want In Life.” Upon seeing the title I thought, “Yes, I need to do what I love!” Upon reading the post I thought, “This only works for someone who is single, with no family, no obligations and is wealthy!”

Mainly because I ignore the step that says to take baby steps. For me, I see the list and it’s all or nothing. The article did provide some good prompts to help guide you through figuring out what you want in life:

1. What makes me feel free and most alive?
   Running
2. How do I like to spend time with people I care about?
   Playing with my daughter, seeing her explore/experience new things. Watching movies with my husband. Goofing off with my mom.
3. What sparks my passion and revs up my enthusiasm? How could I could spend hours (if not days) doing ____ and actually lose track of time?
   I can spend hours on social media and lose track of time. But is that really what makes me happy? Getting in a good run revs up my enthusiasm.
4. How would I ideally like to spend my week, days, and weekends?
   Weekdays: Get up and work for an hour, get the baby ready and off to school. Work for another hour. Have an hour to go running or workout, then get cleaned up. Continue to work for a while. Go to lunch with a friend. Work some more. Pick up the baby from school and play with her. Have dinner magically appear so I don’t have to plan/prepare it. Chill out with my hubby after the baby goes to sleep.
   Weekends: Get up to go for a long run without worrying that the baby will wake up while I’m gone. Be able to be out for a couple hours then return and get cleaned up, then do something as a family. Whether it’s a hike or going to the park or just going grocery shopping together… I don’t care. I just want to spend time all together! Movie night with the hubby.
5. What would my ideal work place be? Who would I work with (if anyone)?
   My home office, but having the opportunity to go out and meet with other human beings regularly too.
6. What ways do I actually enjoy moving my body?
   Running, yoga, pilates.
7. What helps me feel relaxed and joyful?
   Getting in a run without feeling stressed that I’m letting someone down in some aspect of my life. Finishing a race feels incredibly joyful! Days off work where I get to spend time doing whatever I feel like all day are incredibly relaxing.
8. How do I most enjoy helping others?
   I enjoyed coaching Team Challenge immensely.

And then they provide questions to help you make it happen:

1. What am I willing to say no to in life, in order to say yes to what I do want?
   I have no answer for this. It feels like there is no option here for me.
2. What guilt am I willing to let go of in order to thrive?
   Apparently none, because I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for making my husband take care of the baby and I feel guilty for not giving him the opportunity to take care of her more. I feel guilty for going for a run during my work day and I feel guilty if I don’t get in a run.

There are days that I feel like I should just get through my obligated posts and then quit writing here. But I think I would miss it. I did put a big tacky ad at the top of my site. Did you notice it? I have no delusions of becoming rich from this site or that ad. (That would be nice though!) But that simple thing should cover my hosting costs.  Cause I feel guilty that I pay to have a monthly host for my site… but I don’t think others feel guilty that they pay to scrapbook or crochet or play in a soccer league or whatever their hobby may be.

Basically I feel guilty for living. So maybe my jokes up there about “sorry, I breathed” aren’t that extreme after all.