I’m running the Las Vegas Ragnar Relay next month… and I’m dreading it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to meeting some of the people on my team, in person, for the first time. I’m excited to see what the whole relay experience is like. I’m excited to earn another medal!
But it will also be the first time I am away from my baby the whole night. And I’m terrified about that!
She’ll have to be picked up from school by her daddy, he’ll have to entertain her all evening, put her to bed, get up in the morning with her, feed her a couple of meals and play with her…. probably the most time he’s spent consecutively with her so far. It will be good for her and him. But I’m wracked with guilt.
I’ve only missed putting her to bed a few times, and those times were when my mom came to babysit. I felt comfortable with that, but if it had been a sitter we’d hired I probably couldn’t have enjoyed my time out at all. Yet my husband has missed bedtime a lot. He’s left town several times and I don’t think he even bats an eye at it. He doesn’t leave me instructions on how to take care of her, when to feed her, what to feed her, when to clean her, etc. Yet I’m positive I’ll have to make a list of all that kind of stuff for my one overnight away.
I admit, I’m a little jealous of the man role in parenting at times. It seems so easy. And when it comes time for him to go away on business, he just does it. While I’m sitting here thinking, “I can avoid every single one of my on-site visits this year. Or try to do single-day trips and still get home to pick Alex up from daycare!” And I have no idea how I would ever go to a conference out-of-town.
I have a difficult time doing things in the evenings. I’ve had a couple of opportunities to go to volunteer meetings or runs around 6 or 7 PM, but I bail on them because of her bedtime at 8 PM. Of course, it doesn’t help when I don’t know for sure when Daddy will be home… I have to be the primary caretaker. But I want to be there as much as possible, because I send her away to school each day while I work, so I feel a sense of obligation (and desire) to be there for her every moment I can.
But seriously… I will need to learn to let her be on her own… or at least, on her own with someone else. I’m not going to follow her around forever. How do I feel comfortable with this?