I hurt… all over. Everywhere. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.
Wednesday evening is when it all started. My joints have been popping and crackling a lot the past couple weeks, but now they’re all suddenly in screaming pain. My fingers, wrists, elbows, shoulders, toes, ankles… nothing is safe from the power of the relaxin hormone.
- Multiple times having pneumonia or bronchitis in my life? Not as miserable as this.
- Chicken pox for a couple of weeks while I was in high school? Not as miserable as this.
- Having a glass door shatter on me? Not as miserable as this.
Granted, most of the pain and discomfort of those times seems to fade from memory… so I’m clinging to the optimism that I’ll forget this discomfort too. And whatever comes in the next few weeks. And labor.
My midwife said that my discomfort is probably just going to keep building. Yay!
I’m also tired. While my fatigue is nowhere near the levels I felt in the first trimester, it’s really hard to imagine that I will ever have energy back. Sometimes it’s just too hard to even laugh at something I see on TV or online because between breathing and trying to sit upright, I don’t have energy left for anything else.
I had the Group B Strep test at my appointment today. That’s a super fun thing that checks to see if I’m “colonized” with the GBS bacterial infection. The infection doesn’t really cause problems for the mother, 25% of women have it… but it can be problematic for the baby. I’ll get my results at my appointment next week.
Women have to suffer through so many more indignities than men do. It’s a cruel world.
I was told that I could go into labor next week (Yikes! Too soon… I have a ton of work to do still, and I probably have to do more CMS training at work the last week of July/first week of August!) or it could push into next month. So everyone that asks me if she has any predictions about when the baby will come… yes, the baby will come sometime.
I also get asked about how big the baby is. My midwife told me that she could guess, but it’s not going to be anything accurate or scientifically derived. She said that I still have room for baby to grow (HOW?!) but based on my size and how much I’ve grown she doesn’t think I’ll have a baby beyond the 7-lb range, but again it’s all a guess. But to have something for those who think I need to have all these answers… the baby will be a normal size.
Mainly I’m just feeling scared. Really really scared about becoming a mother. Scared that I won’t feel instant love for this baby like I’m “supposed to” when it joins this world. Scared that I will never have any energy back. Scared that I will break the baby. Scared for how a child will affect my interpersonal relationships with others. Scared how this will affect my running and my job and my physical and mental and emotional health.
And when people say, “Oh don’t worry… you’ll be fine.” I find that really frustrating. That kind of talk is dismissive of feelings, and at least I’ve learned through therapy that is what is occurring and that I don’t want to talk to my kid that way (assuming I have energy back to actually listen to the tyke). The best advice I got in regard to that was from a friend who told me, “It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared every day, and my kids are older. But it’s also the most amazing love you will ever experience.”
36 weeks along… 4 weeks to go. (or less or more… I have no control, the kid is firmly in command.)