At 29 weeks into pregnancy I am:
- Sick of being unable to get in a full breath
- Tired of drinking so much water and peeing so much
- Experiencing way drier skin than normal
- Uncomfortable with each day I grow more
- Loathing maternity clothes
- Annoyed at finding stuff resting on my protruding belly
- Feeling conspicuous and large
- Relieved when people tell me I’m “tiny pregnant”
- Frustrated with my poky, breathless running (or walk/running as it is)
- Disinterested in researching baby gear
- Feeling like everything related to this kid is my sole responsibility
- Dizzy if I stand in the heat (90 degrees or more) for more than a minute
- Disgusted with my body
- Ready to not be pregnant anymore
- Pissed off that I still have 11 weeks until my due date
- Researching permanent birth control options
- Angry that I feel like I am no longer living “my life”
- Confused about what “my life” is now
- Eager to run for real again
- Jealous whenever I hear of anyone entering or training or completing races
- Scared to give birth
- Terrified of taking care of a kid
- Interested to see what the kid looks like
- Bummed out by the whole experience
I am struggling a little this week. I feel like there are so many bloggers out there who are expecting and they have these happy, joyful, I’m-so-excited-to-be-a-mom posts going up and I just can’t muster up the same feelings. Then there are bloggers who have recently had children and hearing about their daily life with baby terrifies me.
I told my therapist that I just want my life back but that life is over and I have no positive visions of what that new life will entail. The only thing I can imagine is being chained to the couch for ever to feed this kid, changing this kid, being expected to come up with and prepare meals for my family, trying to work a full-time job without childcare, keep a house clean, take care of my precious Jade The Boxer… and I don’t see how there is time for my sanity in there. Time for running, time for friends (and I don’t spend much time out with friends), time for blogging, time for The RUNiverse, time for… well, me and things that make me happy. My therapist told me that I have to make time for myself a priority, but if I’m expected to keep a completely helpless human being alive I have a hard time seeing how that’s possible.
Just… ugh.
Jill Will Run 
OMG, everyone who says pregnancy is beautiful is CRAZY or a man. Or a woman who has forgotten about the PITA it all entails. I kept making my husband be close to the hospital because I just knew today was the day. It was always the day. Both my kids were right on time, they waited until they could almost walk out.
One nurse told me my life didn’t belong to me anymore, that I was now to do anything the baby needed or wanted. That I what I wanted didn’t matter anymore. Talk about depressing.
I have two children under two (I’m crazy) and I run all the time now. Please know the first few months will be hard, but that little bugger will earn your love by just farting while sneezing or smiling before s/he drools off to sleep. Hang in there and somewhat enjoy the quiet for now. You’ll miss it!
@nubiacarson That is a depressing thing for the nurse to tell you! Awful bedside manner! But thank you for the reassurances. It’s good to know that you’re running, even with two under two! (Yeah, you’re crazy! LOL!)
In 2008, one of my best friends got pregnant accidentally. I think for a long time, she was sort of resentful. Not so much at her daughter, but just at the entire situation. That her life changed and it was not at her choosing. But after a while, her new life became her life and she was okay with it. I don’t know if this makes sense really, but I’m trying to tell you that it turned out okay with my friend, so I think it’ll turn out okay with you too!
@inmytummylee It does make sense. And I think in the back of my mind I know it will all be okay, but it is just like you said… my whole life changed and not at my choosing! And that feels overwhelming!
True your life will change. And your life will not always be about you, quite frankly, most often it won’t be about you. But you’ll make the time and find ways to still do the things you love. You’ll find a balance (sure it may take some time), but you will find a way to make everything work. You’ll figure out what’s most important and the things that really don’t mean much anymore and weed those things out. Trust me, you’re whole perspective on life will change once your baby is born. Priorities will change and you will change. It’s not always easy, I admit that. But there is really nothing better than being a Mom. I hope and believe that one day you’ll feel that way to. You’re going to get through this and you’re going to find your way back to you. I think everything your feeling is so normal. I had a lot of the same emotions when I was pregnant with my first child. It can be scary, and overwhelming but I promise you its all worth it and will get better. And just to let you know I was back at the gym within 6 weeks after my first pregnancy and 4 weeks after my second ( I was supposed to wait 6 but didn’t listen….go figure) and if you remember was training for my 1st half only 4 months after so I’m sure you’ll be pounding the pavement as soon as the Dr clears you to do so. Jill you’ll make it work.
@KorynG My life isn’t about me much of the time now! 🙂 At least I know how to slip away if I need to, and know that my family won’t die if I don’t get a meal for them or something! I guess those are just my concerns… that a whole other person’s livelihood will be dependent upon me! It seems hard to imagine being able to break away from that need!
I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks, maybe months, not sure. I’m 36 yo, never been been pregnant but I read your posts and I’m thinking “wow! That’s exactly what I would feel”.
I have two sister-in-laws who got pregnant in their teens (so glad their mom gave my husband up for adoption) and I heard one of them saying “I love being pregnant”. That’s one of those statements I will never get….
Hang in there! 🙂
@aluhall I don’t get it… but I guess I’m glad that some people exist that “love being pregnant” – I guess it’s like some people who don’t understand how I can say that I love to run! Thanks for your support!
Truthfully, you won’t really be able to make time for yourself a priority for a little while after the baby is born. That’s not to say you won’t be able to find time for yourself, but it will most likely not be near the top of the list. That’s true for Kevin, too, although it will probably feel like he is getting more time for himself since he “gets” to leave the house every day for work. (Some days, I find myself envying Troy’s commute to and from work. That’s 90 minutes a day he gets to read or listen to music without anyone asking him to make a sandwich or change a diaper, or feeling like he should really do laundry and unload the dishwasher and feed the cats! Do you know how much I’d LOVE to have 90 minutes a day to myself like that? Of course, he spends it on a stinky Metro bus filled with people, but still! 😉 These are the thoughts of a SAHM.)
What was I talking about? Oh right—making time for yourself. So yeah, you won’t really be able to make it a priority…but the thing is, you probably won’t really mind, most of the time. There will be moments you feel overwhelmed and want to run for the hills, but most of the time you will probably be okay with being a grown-up about it, and knowing that it won’t be that way forever.
And since it’s more difficult to believe that with your first baby, I am here to tell you: IT WILL NOT BE THAT WAY FOREVER. It might feel like it sometimes, like you will never do anything else but breastfeed and change poopy diapers and hold a baby who cries if you put him down, but IT WILL GET BETTER. SO, SO MUCH BETTER AND EASIER AND MORE FUN.
You know how you’ve been telling me for years that you hope when you’re a mom someday, you can be a mom like me? So I assume that means you think I’m doing a pretty good job as a mom, right? (Thank you, by the way!) So will it make you feel better if I tell you that two kids and eight years into this parenting gig, I still get jealous of people who don’t have kids, all the time? I don’t regret having kids at all, and I wouldn’t change a thing because I love my kids and I (mostly) love my life. All the hard stuff is worth it because of all the good stuff, you know? But still, I see people posting on FB about going to movies or sleeping in late and having a leisurely brunch, or spending all day watching Buffy reruns and knitting, and I think, “Wah! I wanna go to movies! I wanna watch TV all day and crochet, like I used to before I had kids!” But I think everyone does that to some extent, whether they have kids or not—we miss having the ability to get by on three hours sleep, or the ability to eat nothing but pizza and ice cream and never gain an ounce, or to remember all five things we needed at the store without having to write it down! I’d say 99% of parents have occasional—even frequent—moments where they feel all the negative things you’re feeling. And again, everyone has negative thoughts all the time, just not directly related to parenting. It’s just part of life, you know? You’re just focusing a lot on the baby right now because (1) it’s a total unknown, which is scary, and (2) well, duh, you’re pregnant and hormonal and all that crap. 🙂
As far as I’m concerned, the rewards of having kids far outweigh the inconveniences. I know you don’t feel that way right now, and you don’t even necessarily believe you will ever feel that way. But I think that’s totally normal and understandable, too. You haven’t got to experience the fun parts of parenthood yet! And as much as I hated it (and I mean <b>HATED IT!!!</b>) whenever anyone said to me, pre-kids, “You don’t really understand what love is until you become a parent,” I have to reluctantly, sheepishly admit that I understand now what they meant. I don’t exactly agree with the phrasing, because of course you can understand love even if you never have kids. But I’ll admit that the love one feels for one’s kids is definitely an amazing, has-to-be-felt-to-be-believed kind of love. It’s like nothing else on earth, and it’s truly <i>awesome</i> in the original sense of the word.
Just don’t be fooled into thinking that all us positive, upbeat parents have it all figured out and never have doubts or bad days. 🙂 All parents can commiserate with your worries and fears, I’d bet. We’re all muddling along the best we can, learning from our mistakes and celebrating the good moments and days. It’s a challenging, hard, difficult thing to be a parent, yes; but it’s an amazing, uplifting, hilarious thing a lot of the time, too.
Yes, I do think you’re a great mom. You always seem to be able to provide your kids with a great blend of being young and themselves while still socializing with all ages and knowing how to behave. I’m just terrified that I won’t know how or be able to do that same thing with my child!
I do have a hard time seeing that I my feelings will change toward having a kid, but at least I am hopeful that once I meet this little person that will happen.
And thank you for your honesty about parenting, and for always being able to illustrate that there are frustrating times but they aren’t AWFUL. So few people seem to articulate it that way and that scares me… especially when people are posting those messages all over blogs, facebook and twitter these days! (I guess because it’s so easy to blurt out those negatives in the heat of the moment!)
@jillwillrun Ha, well, thank you. I’ll say one more thing on this topic and then I’ll shut up, I promise, because I already wrote a book. 🙂 When Annalie was about two, I was discussing homeschooling with a neighbor who homeschooled her two boys. I told her it was daunting to think about teaching my kids chemistry or geometry, and she said, “Well, remember, you don’t start out with high-school subjects. You start with, like, shapes and colors and the ABCs. As they get older and grow and learn, you’re growing and learning too. You only have to do a little at a time.” That was a revolution in my thinking about homeschooling. I think it’s similar to parenting, too. At the beginning, you just feed them and keep them safe, and you learn all the other stuff as you go along.