Title is a reference to South Park… I definitely feel like I am General Disarray… or at least my life is in general disarray right now.

When 2024 started, I was thinking “I’m going to stop living in limbo so much. We’ve been in this house for 6 years. I should unpack the boxes in my office and finally buy the standing desk I want! Maybe we’ll hang some pictures on the walls. We’ll replace the couch and redo the front yard landscaping… it’s gonna be great.”

And shortly after that, it all started to fall to pieces.

School

My daughter’s school was supposed to expand to have 7th grade next year, so we registered for that. But then the other parents didn’t follow through on the system and several of them found new schools for their kids and we were left with too few kids for the expansion to happen. Those jerks!*

So I applied to a charter school near my house, which is a mistake. Charter schools are a joke because they’re like, “We have a lottery!” And then they have the drawing and a ton of kids don’t get selected but you’ve missed the enrollment time for all the private schools so you’re left with the crappy public schools here in Las Vegas. (I know some people do fine with the public schools here, but there are also a lot of problems. And I’m not putting my kid in a school with thousands of kids because I know her and she will be overwhelmed and swallowed up in the masses. She doesn’t deal with large crowds well.)

Because I have to co-parent with my husband and, for some reason, he expects to have a say in life but he drags his feet on these things (he likes living dangerously, or at least uncertainly) we are currently without a school for my kid right now and I’m sick with anxiety and worry about this.

So remember this information about not having a school, it will come back into play in a minute.

*Actually, the other parents are all such lovely people and one of the reasons that I have loved my kiddo’s school. I know all the teachers and administrators and the parents and the kids. It’s wonderful.

Employment

I have a job, and I’ve been employed at the same place for 23+ years, longer than I’ve been married. I will probably die in my job when I am 100. I honestly can’t fully imagine ever leaving, even to retire. What does one do in retirement? (If I believe my mother, it’s going to doctor appointments and taking your elderly parent to doctor appointments. So maybe I’ll have to retire to take my mom to the doctor when she’s in her 90’s.)

But my husband has had a lot of different jobs throughout our marriage and his current job is… uncertain. I don’t want to post too much information publicly on the internet about where/who/what he does for work, but let’s just say that the owner of his work very suddenly was not the owner anymore and now the whole company portfolio is being sold off piecemeal and we have no idea how long his job will remain. It could be another 6 months and it could be another 4 years. We’ve been living in this limbo for 3+ years so far.

He has complained about living in Las Vegas for a long time, the whole reason we came here is for his work but he still wants to move. I like living in Las Vegas. I’ve adapted to the climate, I like having a lot of options for stores and entertainment. I like living in a city with a large airport so I can go places if needed. I like the opportunity to go see a big-name entertainment show and then go back home to my normal life.

Move?

Since he wants to live somewhere else and our kid is school-less, his solution right now is “just move”. But the problem there is he is committed to the end of his job’s run, so his solution is for me, the kid, and the dog to just move away while he stays here to wrap up his job, however long that may be.

WTF?!

I am not particularly keen on the idea of moving, but I really don’t want to do it by myself. There is a lot of crap that comes with a move and being responsible for that alone while my spouse is living in another state during the week seems idiotic.

Also, let’s just think about the potential trauma inflicted on the kid. Which is going to be easier? A new school or a new school/city/state/house/everything?

If he really wants to move, I would rather explore that option as a family and move TOWARD something, not away from his crumbling job. I’d prefer to just send my kid to a religious school that’s not anywhere near our religion and stay in the house and city where we already have our life constructed.

Plus, who moves to a city where you just think you might want to live there and you assume you’ll find a job there someday? Who does that? Who can even possibly feel comfortable with that thought process? (My spouse, but who else?!)

Holey Dog

As just one more thing, my dog developed a hole in her head.

She developed a little tiny bump on her head about 4-5 weeks ago. Then it got bigger. Then she started scratching it open. Then it kept getting bigger and bloodier. I took her to the vet, they measured the bump a few times as it grew, finally they recommended it come off. (I say finally like this wasn’t an incredibly fast process when it was.) So we got it removed yesterday and she has a big line of stitches up her forehead. We don’t know what the lump is yet, it’s off to pathology to find out. But it’s just yet another thing…

Health

I don’t even want to get into the laundry list of ways I feel crummy, but my physical health is just not the way it was before I had a total thyroidectomy. I’m exhausted all the time. And doctors respond, “Well, your bloodwork is normal, so…. dunno.” A few have said the “woman of your age” lines… which yeah, I guess it could be perimenopause because I am on the downhill side toward 46. But I’m just angry that I ran 10 miles the day before my thyroidectomy and now I can barely drag myself out of bed to be ready for work on time.

Also, my vision in my right eye is wack and blurry. The ophthalmologist isn’t sure if it is because my nearsightedness is returning, or if it’s due to extremely dry eyes, or if it’s because I have a cataract on that eye… which, BTW I have a cataract in my right eye now.

So the first course of action was naturally to plug my tear ducts to keep my eyes more hydrated. And due to that, my left eye is now constantly crying. Everywhere I go people are like, “Are you okay?” Yep… I just cry all the time from my left eye. It’s like the poster for that Johnny Depp movie Cry Baby.

That’s Not All Folks!

Okay, it’s pretty much all I want to talk about on my public site. Work is kicking my ass. I lost an employee that had been with me for 9 years and I didn’t realize just how much I relied on him to assist in everything. I’m excited for his new opportunity, but it feels like a lot now that there isn’t someone to split fielding the questions at work. Especially when it feels like there is more work than ever. Something about 2020 broke work and it has felt like the volume has constantly increased with no relief.

I like my work, but it definitely feels like the sentiment about “I’ll die in my job” means something that could happen at any second now due to the stress I feel. My job definitely doesn’t ask me to lose all my vacation time because I can’t find the time to take it. Or find anywhere to go to use it. Mostly it’s due to my perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. Okay, it’s probably all me.

But I’m just overwhelmed. A lot. And drowning in life. And there is no resolution. The end.