Week in Re/Preview

Last week I ran a whopping 6 miles! Go me!

dailymile - 3/4/2013 to 3/10/2013
dailymile – 3/4/2013 to 3/10/2013

Excuses are like armpits, everyone has them and they all stink. The basic gist is that the weather sucked this weekend. It rained and hailed all day on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were windy and I wasn’t taking the baby out in that. So I just didn’t run.

And my post last Friday about supply issues and how I had said I was going to taper, well… that helped motivate me to NOT run. And my supply seemed to be up by the end of the weekend, that was awesome.

But then today rolled around and I realized that I could probably slip out mid-morning to make up my long run and not taper quite yet. So I set out to try doing 10-11 miles.

I was running and caught my toe on the edge of a crack in the sidewalk. I flew forward, right into a bush on the side of the road. After landing in the bush, I then tumbled into the decorative rocks. I cut up my right hand, had to pull little sticker-y bush pieces out of my leg and butt and knocked my hat off in the fall. I felt like a fool, there were cars driving by and I know people saw me. After I got up, I turned around and ran back home, thus my run was just 5 miles.

Hand wounds

But as I ran home, blood pooling up in my hand and dripping on the sidewalk as I went along, I started to get a little teary eyed. This tripping stuff has been happening too often. It’s something that has happened on almost all of my postpartum long runs toward the end. Never in the middle like this. (Hell, this wasn’t even quite in the middle, this was at about the 3 mile mark!) I usually catch myself before falling all the way to the ground too. When I trained for my marathons, toward the end of 18-20 mile runs, if I got really tired and was low on fuel I would start to drag my feet. I think that’s what is happening now. I just don’t know if my body has the energy for this now, no matter how hard I try to fuel myself properly. It scares and frustrates me!

I can't keep calm because I have anxiety
Source: lookhuman.com via Jill on Pinterest

I looked and I’m past the point of being able to get a partial refund for my race or even deferring the entry. Thus I guess I’m still going to do it, but when I got home I was fully at peace with the idea of getting out of the race (with the expectation that I could take advantage of the deferment policy). I want to look forward to the event, but I’m not at all. Everything about traveling for work the days before, traveling to the race and doing this all with baby stresses me out to the max. I don’t know how to not freak out about this. So that’s what I’m doing… stressing and getting more nervous and anxious by the days.

I wasn’t going to write about this, I was going to “save face” and not let you all know how clumsy I am. But I’m frustrated and nervous about my race now. Plus it usually feels good to get that stuff off my chest and I usually get some good advice or reassurance. I just feel so out of my element as a full-time worker, mother, runner, wife, human being… I feel a little like shell of my former self, the self that I was just starting to re-discover before I got pregnant. There are good times and my baby makes me so happy. But I am also so sad at the same time. How is that possible, to be happy and sad at the same time? It’s ridiculous.

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7 comments

  1. Hi Jill,
    Have you heard the song “Don’t you worry child”? by Swedish House Mafia? I heard it for the first time a few weeks ago, and now, I’m listening to it all of the time…it’s on my running playlist multiple times 🙂 Anyway, what I want to say, is think about what will make you happy and lessen your worries. Will running the race make you feel good? Or would you feel better if you waited a few more weeks before jumping back into half-marathons (and further 🙂 )? Honestly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with listening to your body and your heart and deciding to skip this race–the race fee is peanuts in the grand scheme of things. Or, decide that you want to try to run it. You could treat as any no-pressure run and just take it stride and stick with the course as long as your body and spirit are feeling good. Whatever you decide to do, I am cheering for you!

    • Oh…. good song recommendation! Thank you!

      And I appreciate the advice so much and the unconditional support. It’s nice to know that people are cheering for me! Just that simple statement was enough to bring tears to my eyes!

  2. That fear and frustration, and the feeling happy and sad at the same time, and feeling like you don’t have a clue what you’re doing as a new mom or trying to fit motherhood in with all the other jobs you have (employee, wife, runner, whatever)? Those feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL. All new moms have them, and yes, you are still a new mom for at least the first year, I think. Life as a new mom gets incrementally easier every day, week, month…but for me, with both kids, things didn’t really seem to click and smooth out until they were over a year old. So, the bad news is, you might have a few months before things get easier for you. The good news is, the way you’re feeling is the way pretty much every mom feels at least sometimes. 🙂 We all understand! So vent as needed, we’ll virtually pat you on the shoulder and tell you you’re doing okay.

    Also, for what it’s worth, I felt the way you feel with a LOT less responsibility! I haven’t had a job outside the home since I had kids (though I do homeschool, which I guess is a job inside the home), and I didn’t start a regular workout program with either kid till well after their second birthdays. So you’re superwoman as far as I’m concerned. 🙂

    • Okay, 5.5 more months of feeling lost! I got this! 😉

      But seriously, I appreciate your insights on all of my venting! It’s amazing how much Alex has added to my life, she is so awesome. But with all that awesomeness has come a TON of anxiety, fear, insecurity, etc. it’s nice to realize that other people feel that way, not that I would wish those feelings upon anyone.

      Thank you!

  3. I was running through some road work and I ended up rolling into a ditch. I got up dusted myself off and finished my run. I got home, thought I was being so cool acting like nothing was wrong and my girlfriend looked at me and said “Why are you bleeding?”
    Art

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