Many Emotions

Sadness… Longing… and a little Self-Loathing thrown in.

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Why?

Today was the PF Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon/Half Marathon.

Post Race
Two years ago in that race I had a DNF.

Did Not Finish… it was a crappy experience.

Last year was hard for me when the race rolled around, but today it feels even harder.

It doesn’t matter that I had a phenomenal 4-mile run this morning with a bunch of my Team Challenge alumni gals.  There’s still a pit inside that is tied directly to this race.

Sadness: Just the reminder of such a low point.  That low point has lead to a solid uphill climb, as that was the event that finally triggered me to go into treatment for my eating disorder.  I know I’ve made progress… even if it’s hard to remember and give myself that credit at times.  But this anniversary day rolls around and I’m reminded of a day where my expectations where crushed, of a perceived ‘failure’.

Longing: I have plenty of friends who are participating in this event this year.  There’s part of me that wants to be there with them, cheering them on and sharing that excitement.  But even more than being there for them, I want to be there for me… and I want to be running it for me.  I considered going to this year’s race with some friends, but I’m kind of glad I’m not there to watch it… Just watching their results online has made me simultaneously thrilled and bummed.

Self-Loathing: There’s a part of me that hates myself just a little for not being able to run this (or any other) marathon right now.  I feel like I should have been able to control my life a little more, that if I had been better at dealing with my emotions and hardships that maybe I wouldn’t have endangered my health to an extreme so that I ended up in a hospital that day and that is causing me to continue to be outside of my MTH (marathon training health) point.

There is some brightness… Through treatment & therapy I’ve learned that it’s better to share my feelings, keeping them inside doesn’t do anything to help me (it actually hurts me).  So I’m sharing them here.  And I’ve learned some healthier coping mechanisms… so I’m watching videos on Funny or Die while cuddled up with my little #JadeTheBoxer.

From the Feature “6 Advances in Clothing That Signal The End of Society
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15 comments

  1. It saddens me to think that you have any self-loathing, because you’re such a neat person! And I hope you’re also learning in counseling that really, NO ONE can control her own life. 🙂 Life is messy and chaotic, and the only things we can really control are our own reactions to the chaos. And that takes a lot of practice!

    • Thank you for the kind words… And I have been trying to focus on the things that I can actually control and what I have to let go of. But you’re so right, controlling our reactions to chaos does take a lot of practice!

  2. What a fantastic, honest post. Glad you have this blog as an outlet and the community for support.
    And just because you can’t train for a marathon today doesn’t mean you aren’t a runner/marathoner. Believe in yourself – you’ll get back there!

  3. I really wish we lived closer to each other. I often read your posts and feel like I could have been the writer. I really feel for you here Jill because I have been to self-loathe a bit myself. Much of the reason I have lacked in blogging lately is because I feel like I am not keeping up or doing enough or being enough. Just know that I think you are a true inspiration and I am sending you hugs 🙂

  4. I think it is perfectly normal to feel down on days that remind us of the past, especially those that have brought us sadness.

    Ironically, I think there are DNF’s that can happen in all areas of life. Often the act of letting ourselves down has nothing to do with capability, but is our minds way of interfering and messing with the final result. That negative inner critic/voice/emotion/tie to the past keeps us from soaring.

    I say the real marathon is figuring out how to take control of your inner demons.

    One day, Jill, you are going to win the most important race — the one that holds you back. xx

  5. 180/360 is right about DNF’s in all areas of life! I personally have a big fat DNF for college. I still have not gotten my degree…yet. 🙂 Someday I plan to, though. Maybe that’s the key to DNF’s, looking at them as opportunities for a do-over.

  6. although we’ve had completely different paths – i have struggled with not being in “marathon shape” for awhile too. we are both venturing back to our health, marathoning selves. 180/360 has a way with words! hugs to you!

  7. Ahhh, I have been meaning to comment on this since you posted it, Jill. I’m sorry! I did want to say, though, that I completely understand how you feel–in 2009 I missed the Philadelphia marathon because I was in the hospital. I can totally relate to all the emotions you name, and it can be so hard to focus on the positive in light of those feelings. But it is really great that you are able to write about these things. I know that opening up about struggles I’m having has been really positive for me, too, and I feel like it has really given me an additional source of support. You’ve come a long way since that DNF, and there will always be days when the memory of it will be hard. But you will also have the chance to build new memories, which is something that you might not have gotten if you hadn’t had that wake-up call. Also, I hope you know that you are more than welcome to reach out to me on days like this–I’ll give you the pep talk that you might not be able to give yourself 🙂

    • I appreciate the offer of support… it’s so good to have friends that I’ve met through this world that can share in my victories and commiserate with my struggles. It’s really interesting how helpful it can be to open up about struggles, isn’t it?!

  8. I agree with Lindsay, what 180/360 said is really good, and I think I am going to think about how that relates to my life too. Jill, you are so strong. You don’t think you are, but you are. I remember when you wrote that post on the DNF, and when you talked about your eating disorder, and I remember thinking I was very proud and in awe of you for having the strength to write so poignantly about both of them. (And you know that your post and Alissa’s inspired me to write about my depression too.)

    Next year when this day rolls around, what about your planning for something else very positive for you, to take/do on that day? That way, you can start to erase (or at least embrace, if that’s the right word) that day in a different way. It might not have the same hold over you, and you can focus on something good related to that day. It’s just a thought

    Again, I am so proud of you and so much in awe. You have no idea.

    • I really like the idea of coming up with something positive to do on that day. I am also starting to think that maybe I don’t need to redeem myself on this course… I had a friend who ran the race this year and he sent me a message after saying that I’ve left a more lasting legacy on that course than any of our friends could hope to from running it!

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