Do you ever feel like you are just drowning? No matter what, you can’t keep your head above water?
Physically, I just feel kind of crummy all the time. I’m dizzy the majority of the time. I don’t have the time or patience to visit every kind of possible doctor to try to figure out what is wrong with me or if this is just my new post-thyroid cancer normal. It sucks if it is…
I’m supposed to schedule a mammogram because I’m old like that. I have a colonoscopy scheduled because I’m old like that. I probably need a vision check, or I can diagnose myself that my vision has changed because I’m old like that.
Now, I know that 45 isn’t really that old, but it starts to feel like it when you have to start using a ton of sick leave to visit doctors and just keep falling further behind at work. I used a lot of sick leave as my “maternity leave” when I had my daughter and have been saving it up ever since. I always said it was for when I get cancer someday… but in my mind that was going to be at least another decade down the road from now. Oh… and I barely used any of it when I actually did get cancer. I just use it to visit doctors who refer me to other doctors.
Mentally and emotionally I’m overwhelmed. I have so much to do with work and family obligations. I have so much I want to do, but no time to fit it in. I’m probably wasting time typing this, but I need to get it out of my head. Is it weird that I keep pining after Udemy courses and degree programs? I have so many workout programs saved that I want to start someday. I think I’m seeking some concrete way to feel productive as opposed to countless tasks that just need to be checked off. Nobody is excited that you fixed user errors or did loads of laundry. Not even me.
My kiddo started middle school this fall and that has been a hard transition. Every day I worry about her emotional wellbeing with this and question every choice I’ve made in raising her. That’s draining. I know I’m kind of vague here, it’s not my place to share her challenges publicly. But it all impacts me too so I’m just touching upon that to explain why I’m so frayed.
The holiday season just exacerbates this all. Word of advice if you have a new baby. Keep expectations low from the start. Too much magic creates untenable demand. I’m 11 years into this and I’m drained. I keep trying to one-up things I’ve done in the past and when the reactions are not reaching ecstatic levels, I feel like I’ve failed. And thus we are here… I dread all of the holiday traditions right now. I don’t feel like making any goodies… or eating them. I don’t feel like going to the events. I definitely don’t feel like gift shopping.
I have blog reviews I need to get done, but cohesive thoughts are escaping me. There is so much going on at work and then mom duty after work. By the time late evening rolls around I’ve burned off my brain cells for the day. (I have to relearn geometry these days, I don’t ever figure out the area of a triangle in regular life, but my kid needs help with homework. Sometimes I think we are just perpetuating this cycle of learning things when younger so that if we have kids when we get older we can help them learn it to teach future generations who also won’t use it.)
Wish me luck, I hope I make it through to 2024…
Jill Will Run 
All of this, even the Weezer needlepoint. I have been feeling dizzy a lot, too, but I am deficient in vitamins, so I have been taking vitamins, which doesn’t seem to help. Don’t get presents for a lot of people. You don’t have to. Skip the teachers and the neighbors, etc. I’m serious. Or buy something in bulk, like smelly handsoap, and give that to everyone. Have the tween make the tags. Maybe that adds to the stress. Anyway, you’re not alone. I am also behind on everything, and I, too, have so many things I want to do that I don’t have time to do.