Run Run Head Games

This weekend I had a dreadful run. Like, just really really awful where I don’t want to get into the gory specifics… but it’s one of those runs where you’re passing a construction zone and think, “I could totally hop that fence to get to that porta potty.” And where you end up with chafe wounds, despite using some kind of product to prevent that type of injury. And where you feel completely depleted emotionally and can’t bear to go on any more, so your planned 18-19 miles turned into 10. And where you may have cried a little in frustration.

This run sucked! Oh well… Another day, another time. #shoeselfie #runselfie #teamstonyfield

A photo posted by Jill (@jillwillrun) on

//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.jsAnd this kind of run, combined with the previous week of zero running because of a sick kid and a sick myself, starts messing with your brain. “Why am I doing this? Why was I even selected for this journey? I so don’t belong on the team with these other amazing women. I was a wee baby of 29-30 last time I ran this distance. Now I’m so old* and just can’t do all of this now.”

*I’m not old.

I feel like I’m failing at training, I feel like I’m failing at being a mother, I feel overwhelmed by stupid decisions at work, I feel unsupported in daily life and I’m just tired. Basically, to use a direct quote from my 2-year-old… “I have too much in my hands.” Except in my case, it’s that I have too much in my brain.

I start to compare myself to the other ladies on Team Stonyfield and wonder why on earth I was selected to be with them. But then, we all bring slightly different perspectives to the training. Mine is that of the woman with a 2-year-old kid, a busy more-than-full-time job with completely unrealistic deadlines right now, a spouse that works a bazillion hours from January to May, trying to train for a race distance that bested her and forced her to face her eating disorder once upon a time. And in looking at my teammates blogs, they all have their own issues that crop up and play head games with them too.

But there are good things to remember:

Despite the terrible run and feeling kind of beat up, I actually did feel like I could have kept going to complete those remaining miles… assuming I hadn’t been bleeding from open sores on my back and running on complete empty from being sick.

I finally booked my flights for Boston!

Cute AND comfortable new compression socks from Lily Trotters!

lilytrotter-socks-mirror.jpg

I basically “paid” for some other woman’s yogurt at the grocery store the other day because I saw her looking at the Stonyfield yogurts and gave her a coupon for a free big container of greek yogurt. Share the love!

My kid is freakin’ awesome… and no matter how hard things are when taking care of a kid, my heart melts a little with all the cute things she says and does. For a woman who loathed her entire pregnancy and didn’t want to have a kid, I sure have turned into a sap when it comes to her.

A photo posted by Jill (@jillwillrun) on

//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js

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3 comments

  1. Thank you so much for posting this!! I have felt this way for the last two weeks and it seems like such a waste of time to go out and run. (I am training for my first 1/2 marathon) I struggle to get out of bed and go for a run due my girls two year molars coming in. But you are right there are good things to look at even when my runs suck 🙂

    • Oh… molars coming in is rough! But for whatever reason you’re jolted out of sleep by a kiddo… it definitely throws a wrench into training. But I hope your 1/2 marathon is amazing, it will feel so good to cross that finish line. You never get that first finish for any race distance again, it’s so amazing. (I kind of wish I could repeat that feeling!)

  2. Oh my sweet friend… I could have written this EXACT piece! In fact, while running I think I have come up with this blog post on MULTIPLE occasions! ❤ Keep trucking on. You are strong. You are amazing! I look forward to meeting and hugging you in a few short weeks.

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