Sadness… Longing… and a little Self-Loathing thrown in.
That’s how I’m feeling today.
Today was the PF Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon/Half Marathon.
Two years ago in that race I had a DNF.
Did Not Finish… it was a crappy experience.
Last year was hard for me when the race rolled around, but today it feels even harder.
It doesn’t matter that I had a phenomenal 4-mile run this morning with a bunch of my Team Challenge alumni gals. There’s still a pit inside that is tied directly to this race.
Sadness: Just the reminder of such a low point. That low point has lead to a solid uphill climb, as that was the event that finally triggered me to go into treatment for my eating disorder. I know I’ve made progress… even if it’s hard to remember and give myself that credit at times. But this anniversary day rolls around and I’m reminded of a day where my expectations where crushed, of a perceived ‘failure’.
Longing: I have plenty of friends who are participating in this event this year. There’s part of me that wants to be there with them, cheering them on and sharing that excitement. But even more than being there for them, I want to be there for me… and I want to be running it for me. I considered going to this year’s race with some friends, but I’m kind of glad I’m not there to watch it… Just watching their results online has made me simultaneously thrilled and bummed.
Self-Loathing: There’s a part of me that hates myself just a little for not being able to run this (or any other) marathon right now. I feel like I should have been able to control my life a little more, that if I had been better at dealing with my emotions and hardships that maybe I wouldn’t have endangered my health to an extreme so that I ended up in a hospital that day and that is causing me to continue to be outside of my MTH (marathon training health) point.
There is some brightness… Through treatment & therapy I’ve learned that it’s better to share my feelings, keeping them inside doesn’t do anything to help me (it actually hurts me). So I’m sharing them here. And I’ve learned some healthier coping mechanisms… so I’m watching videos on Funny or Die while cuddled up with my little #JadeTheBoxer.
From the Feature “6 Advances in Clothing That Signal The End of Society”
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