Cut the Cord Already!

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Ragnar Relay logoI’m running the Las Vegas Ragnar Relay next month… and I’m dreading it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to meeting some of the people on my team, in person, for the first time. I’m excited to see what the whole relay experience is like. I’m excited to earn another medal!

But it will also be the first time I am away from my baby the whole night. And I’m terrified about that!

She’ll have to be picked up from school by her daddy, he’ll have to entertain her all evening, put her to bed, get up in the morning with her, feed her a couple of meals and play with her…. probably the most time he’s spent consecutively with her so far. It will be good for her and him. But I’m wracked with guilt.

Not the way to feed her a meal!

I’ve only missed putting her to bed a few times, and those times were when my mom came to babysit. I felt comfortable with that, but if it had been a sitter we’d hired I probably couldn’t have enjoyed my time out at all. Yet my husband has missed bedtime a lot. He’s left town several times and I don’t think he even bats an eye at it. He doesn’t leave me instructions on how to take care of her, when to feed her, what to feed her, when to clean her, etc. Yet I’m positive I’ll have to make a list of all that kind of stuff for my one overnight away.

I admit, I’m a little jealous of the man role in parenting at times. It seems so easy. And when it comes time for him to go away on business, he just does it. While I’m sitting here thinking, “I can avoid every single one of my on-site visits this year. Or try to do single-day trips and still get home to pick Alex up from daycare!” And I have no idea how I would ever go to a conference out-of-town.

I have a difficult time doing things in the evenings. I’ve had a couple of opportunities to go to volunteer meetings or runs around 6 or 7 PM, but I bail on them because of her bedtime at 8 PM. Of course, it doesn’t help when I don’t know for sure when Daddy will be home… I have to be the primary caretaker. But I want to be there as much as possible, because I send her away to school each day while I work, so I feel a sense of obligation (and desire) to be there for her every moment I can.

Jade The Boxer hovers over Alex

Maybe #JadeTheBoxer should be the babysitter. She’s always got her eye on Alex.

But seriously… I will need to learn to let her be on her own… or at least, on her own with someone else. I’m not going to follow her around forever. How do I feel comfortable with this?

6 Comments

  1. Jill, it will get easier. I felt the exact same way with both of my babies but once they were each three years old I needed time away from them–preschoolers are demanding! Your husband, while not doing things the way you do, will figure out his own groove with the baby and will bond with her. I had to learn (and am still learning–my kids are 7 and 4 next week) that my husband parents differently than me when I’m not around and that’s okay. Does he do the exact same routine I do with the kids? No, but that’s okay. The kids are learning daddy’s routine and relish time with him. Enjoy your race, you need time away to be the best mommy you can be!

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  2. You can always bring her in the van…. ;) I’m sure she’d just loooove that. Men (in my opinion) don’t put as much sentimentalness on stuff like we women do. I keep saying I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move where as hubs is all “it’s just a house…”. She’ll be fine and you will too! :)

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  3. I had a breakdown last night around this very thing of guilt. we started daycare this week and of course I get sick as well. Last night after Daddy got home at 7:30 I was fading bad and I broke down crying when he told me to go to bed and he’d take care of her. It took me awhile to relax enough to sleep and I was in the same house. I feel your pain.

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    • Ugh… that start of daycare is so hard. I cried when we dropped her off the first time. Now at one-year-old she is starting the separation anxiety stuff and cries when we drop her off. Even if she stops crying within 30 seconds… it still breaks my heart and makes me want to take her back home and never leave her again!

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