What am I the most afraid of? Aside from trolls* and eyelash curlers?**
I’m probably the most afraid of failure and disappointing people. Let’s address these individually, okay?
I know that nobody can be “successful” at everything they attempt and that nobody honestly expects others to be 100% successful at everything they attempt. Yet the pressure I put on myself is ridiculously high. And if I think there is a good chance I may actually fail at something, it often paralyzes me so I can’t even begin to attempt it. Then in that vein, I guess I am failing to start. So I am inevitably a failure, and I feel awful.
Disappointing others is a huge thing for me. I’m a big time people-pleaser. I’ve made so many choices in life based solely on whether or not I thought it was what was expected of me. And there have been a few times in my life that I’ve made my own decisions that I know have disappointed others, but they feel right for me. And even though I’ve made a choice that feels like the right path for me at that point in my life, I still carry a guilt knowing that I’ve done something that disappointed another. But choosing the action that I know they would prefer doesn’t make me feel any better.
And while I experience greater angst knowing I’ve disappointed someone I care a lot for, I even experience angst when I disappoint people I don’t know. The little scouting kid outside Lowe’s selling something? I feel bad if I say no. The person going door-to-door in my neighborhood that specifically says “No soliciting.” trying to sell something? I feel bad when I tell them no and close the door. The person trying to upsell me on coverage when I call to activate a credit card? I feel bad telling them I don’t want that.
Of course, I have other fears about issues I don’t even want to think about or even dare write down regarding my family.
*Trolls: Did you ever see that 1986 movie Troll? I saw it shortly after it came out on video at a friend’s house and it TERRIFIED me. I was scared of trolls for years after that, even though I was old enough to not really believe that. And then I saw that movie listed on my Dish Network guide about a year ago and turned it on. It’s ridiculous! Not scary, it’s just so bad it’s difficult to even watch it. But for some reason, that movie freaked out the younger me!
**Eyelash Curlers: I am not a very good “girl”. I have no clue how to style my hair, my fashion sense is not very refined and I’m not very good with makeup. I have never used an eyelash curler. Ever… they just look scary and weird and I have seen no reason to curl my eyelashes.