My week last week started off really well. I spent some time on the FitDesk, had a couple of great runs and I was pleased that I had given myself a “work/life”balance by taking the time to do my long(ish) run on Wednesday mid-morning. (New postpartum milestone, 7.36 miles.)
And the week deteriorated after that.
Work got crazy busy. On Friday I spent the day interviewing potential employees at work, these interviews were scheduled at half-hour intervals the entire day. I didn’t even really leave myself time to pump/eat like normal. And being stressed and so busy wasn’t good for my milk supply that day.
On top of that, Jade The Boxer got sick and had to go to the vet that day. Fortunately my hubby could take her, but that added to my anxiety. We had to leave Jade at the vet for several hours while they ran (LOTS OF) tests. Her platelets were low, she had a fever and they were concerned about a potential autoimmune disorder. But when they sent her bloodwork out to a different lab, it came back normal. Her fever dropped a degree while she was there, so they prescribed an antibiotic, sent her home and she seems to be perking up. But she scared me for a while, she was so lethargic, shaky and wouldn’t eat. She was also really irritable, kind of being snappy at the vet’s office staff. Very unlike her.
Weather took a turn for the cold here in Vegas. Yes, we react a little bit like this.
Our highs were in the 30′s. I know that’s not anything like many areas of the country experience in the winter, but I felt it was too cold to take the baby out in the stroller. There are nice snuggly things to keep a baby warm in situations like that, but they’re a little bit pricey for the approximately two times I would need it for her. But since I didn’t get a chance to take her out in the stroller, I just didn’t get a chance to run at all.
By Sunday afternoon I was feeling pretty gloomy, like I don’t get to be “me” anymore. The baby was pooping and spitting up a lot over the weekend, and after one more spit up that ended up all over my entire arm and the carpet (and none on her burp cloth) I just got teary eyed. It’s such a little thing in the grand scheme, but all the sudden it was the impetus that made life feel kind of hopeless. Like I’m going to be cleaning up poop and spit up for the rest of my life without being able run for myself, go see a movie, hang out with a friend, get a massage or just be able to do anything ever again.
I was no longer pleased with my plan to escape work each week to do my long run and making up work time in the evenings. That plan made me angry at this point, like “Why do I have to be a shitty employee to be kind to myself?”
I was doubting my decision to run a half marathon in March, because honestly it just seems so damn hard to try figuring out schedules for running while breastfeeding and working. The race I’m planning on starts at 6 AM (5 AM my time) so I have to figure out travel with the baby and making sure she’s got her milk so I can run. How is my pumped milk supposed to be warmed up for her in a hotel while traveling? And packing to go anywhere overnight with her is a nuisance.
I was pissed off that my hubby gets to stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights playing video games. I don’t have the energy to do that even if I wanted to because I have to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby. And then I have to get up early each day because the baby wakes up early, because that’s her schedule that I’ve put her on so I can attempt to start work by 7 AM each day. I was irked that he gets to watch funny videos online and stay up-to-date on news while I’m attempting to entertain Alex each night and cook dinner each night.
I got to a point of gloom where I even posted something about it on Facebook, which I try really hard to avoid doing. Believe me, there are times when I’ve typed status updates and then trashed them because I don’t want to be Debbie Downer.
I did get to watch a few funny videos recommended by people on my Facebook page and the hubby took the baby for a half hour so I could go soak in the tub. That brief respite helped my mood immensely.
One comment on Facebook recommended that I write down things I’m grateful for each day. So instead of using the journal that I received from the Commitment Day 5K as a training journal, I’m going to use it to write down good things each day. I cracked it open to write and saw this quote:
The fact that the book had such a nice quote about the need to take care of yourself made me kind of excited at the decision to use that as a “gratitude” journal. I didn’t know quite what to do with that book because I knew I wouldn’t use it as a training journal, so I’m happy to have a use for it.
I’m hoping this next week goes better. It is supposed to warm back up some and my work week shouldn’t be as crazy as the way it ended last week. Jade The Boxer seems much perkier. I’m hoping to run an 8 miler, although I’m still feeling unsure about whether or not I should still plan on doing my half or if I should defer my entry. I’m trying to keep my resolutions in mind and to not stress so much. It’s hard and it’s not in my nature, my instinct is to stress… but it’s better for me if I don’t!