29 Weeks Mentality

Comic from CT Working Moms
Comic found on CTWorkingMoms.com

At 29 weeks into pregnancy I am:

  • Sick of being unable to get in a full breath
  • Tired of drinking so much water and peeing so much
  • Experiencing way drier skin than normal
  • Uncomfortable with each day I grow more
  • Loathing maternity clothes
  • Annoyed at finding stuff resting on my protruding belly
  • Feeling conspicuous and large
  • Relieved when people tell me I’m “tiny pregnant”
  • Frustrated with my poky, breathless running (or walk/running as it is)
  • Disinterested in researching baby gear
  • Feeling like everything related to this kid is my sole responsibility
  • Dizzy if I stand in the heat (90 degrees or more) for more than a minute
  • Disgusted with my body
  • Ready to not be pregnant anymore
  • Pissed off that I still have 11 weeks until my due date
  • Researching permanent birth control options
  • Angry that I feel like I am no longer living “my life”
  • Confused about what “my life” is now
  • Eager to run for real again
  • Jealous whenever I hear of anyone entering or training or completing races
  • Scared to give birth
  • Terrified of taking care of a kid
  • Interested to see what the kid looks like
  • Bummed out by the whole experience

I am struggling a little this week. I feel like there are so many bloggers out there who are expecting and they have these happy, joyful, I’m-so-excited-to-be-a-mom posts going up and I just can’t muster up the same feelings. Then there are bloggers who have recently had children and hearing about their daily life with baby terrifies me.

I told my therapist that I just want my life back but that life is over and I have no positive visions of what that new life will entail. The only thing I can imagine is being chained to the couch for ever to feed this kid, changing this kid, being expected to come up with and prepare meals for my family, trying to work a full-time job without childcare, keep a house clean, take care of my precious Jade The Boxer… and I don’t see how there is time for my sanity in there. Time for running, time for friends (and I don’t spend much time out with friends), time for blogging, time for The RUNiverse, time for… well, me and things that make me happy. My therapist told me that I have to make time for myself a priority, but if I’m expected to keep a completely helpless human being alive I have a hard time seeing how that’s possible.

Just… ugh.

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