Yesterday I put up a post and then after some feedback I received, I proceeded to pull it down… as well as every single post on my pregnancy. I strongly considered closing up this entire site and I questioned my entire validity as a person. I seriously thought that I would rather be dead than bring up emotions like these from other people.
But my husband got home from work and talked me off the ledge. And he told me it was a mistake to take the posts down. He said they were good posts and he approves of them.
Here’s the thing… basically I took this critique as telling me that my feelings are invalid. And I’ve spent a lot of time re-learning that what I feel DOES MATTER! I am an important person and what I think/feel has every right to exist. And the fact that I take a rational look at my feelings and try to see multiple sides of it instead of wallowing in negativity is a HUGE improvement over the old way of handling (or blocking) feelings.
As a mother, that’s something that I feel very strongly about. If my child ever tells me that he/she is scared, I don’t ever ever ever want to tell them “That’s nothing to be scared of.” because that’s just brushing their feelings aside. I want to ask them to think about it and talk about it, try to figure out why they feel scared. I want to encourage them to own their feelings and talk them out.
And because I want the baby to grow up to be a strong person, that owns who they are, I think this is proof that I will be an okay mother. Granted, there are always things in this world that will label you as “bad” at something no matter what you do (you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t)… but really, we are all individuals and we need to do what is right for us. And that’s what I’m doing and will try to encourage in my offspring.
My husband said he has no doubts in my ability to mother this child… and really, he’s the one that counts as the other parent to our little “it”. (Yeah, no nicknames have really felt right for you yet, sorry baby. And I don’t want to call you one gender if you’re the other! We do slip up and refer to you as she quite often. If you are a he, I’m sorry. You may call me dad as a joke. I did just see a story on the news about people naming their kids after The Hunger Games. Don’t worry, I won’t name you Peeta or Katniss.)
I’m not opening comments on this post. I don’t want to incite any kind of negative feelings. I just want to stand strong in who I am. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to unlearn feeling shame and guilt for every action I take… yesterday’s steps were a move in the wrong direction. But I feel stronger now.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m spending the day in classes that will hopefully help me for impending motherhood. More proof that I’m not terrible. 🙂